A New Policy and A Whole Lot of CRAP -explicit

I am not really sure how I feel at this moment. I am a mix of frustration, confusion, complete sadness and anger; this new policy has made a bad situation worse.  I’m not sure where to start as it has brought up so much for me (so please forgive me if this sounds jumbled).

Where should I start: family.  My family has been in the church for a long time. My siblings and I were born into the church, all three of my older siblings have served missions and all are married with children. There is diversity in my family, three of us are rather progressive liberal Mormons and my parents and brother are a little more orthodox and conservative. Since the beginning of my faith transition and decision to take a break from church, I have felt a shift in my family dynamic. My oldest brother and sister have been on this road a little longer than me but we seem to share similar opinions, which is nice to have around. But I feel this comes at a price and I have really begun to feel pain and a bit of anger towards the church the last few days. Don’t get me wrong all my family is on the same page with this new policy, that it is wrong and a violation of civil rights. However in other things we differ and it’s really hard. For my parents and brother the church is, it there is only one way and it’s the church.  I find it ironic that a church that is so focused on creating happy eternal families seems to create such strife and sadness. I feel really sad that I end up having arguments with my family over certain things because we can’t have a civilized discussion about my thoughts and feelings.

I feel like the LDS church have people so hooked so deeply entrenched that any alternative or possibility that it might be wrong, that it might be going down the wrong track is not possible. This church is causing so much pain and heartache and I see it everyday, and yet they seem to just disregard it completely.

My family is the most important thing in the world to me and, it feels like the LDS church is creating a rift in it. For many people and I feel this in my own family, the problem is the person (me) not the church.

It is my fault that I have panic attacks about choosing whether to go to church or not, my fault that I come away feeling horrible and depressed after almost every church meeting or event. Why is the church so removed from these kinds of situations when they are the primary factor in them? The old men at the top can put forth whatever they want with the feelings of its members totally disregarded.

I’ve heard many people say to me especially over the last couple days, pray and I promise your will receive revelation. I can tell you now that I have been praying non-stop my whole life and especially over the last couple years and I have nothing. I cannot say there is a God I cannot say Christ exists. I pray specifically everyday and I get nothing and I’m beginning to think there is nothing there. I feel like I’ve done almost everything right in my life (in Mormon terms) and I have nothing, I have no testimony all I have from the Mormon church is pain, family conflicts and deep deep heartache.

The Policy

              that children under the age of 18 from these (homosexual) relationships, and who live at least part-time in the home of a parent in a same-sex relationship, may not be given a name and a blessing in an official church setting (one that would generate a membership record for them), nor can they be baptized, receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, be ordained to priesthood, or serve a mission. At age 18, baptism and mission service come back onto the table as a possibility for them, should they desire, but in order to qualify for consideration, they must satisfy a stake or mission president that they repudiate same-sex relationships and affirm the Church’s teachings and policies concerning them. At that point, their case is referred to the First Presidency who must then give approval before their baptism or mission processes can go forward.

(Btw this process is filter through a whole bunch of men)

I have two gay cousins in my family and I have several gay friends and I find this extremely offensive. I’m sorry bur this is some fucked up shit. You are denying the right for someone to love, to worship in the way they wish. The church made their point about their stance on homosexuality but this is crossing the line.  They seem to be filtering out the riff raff they don’t want. If you do not fit the mold then you’re out. I am in full support of gay marriage and gay families and think the church have it totally wrong, does that make me apostate.

My dad stated it well: what if one of my brothers went off with another man, then my dad would not be able to baptize his grandchildren, he couldn’t bless is grandchildren, in away they are removing his priesthood authority (which is a whole other story).

Also don’t get me started on the churches process of producing this policy. If it were not leaked it would have been snuck into the handbooks for the bishops and stake presidents to see. Man the church is good at trying to be sneaky. Always sneaking essays discretely onto LDS.org so that no one really knows about it.  But that way they can say they have spoken about it and disregard it.

Can you tell I’m frustrated and sizzling?

And just to add let’s talk about how homosexuality and its marriage have been put on the same sin list as rape and murder. I’m sorry but loving someone of the same sex and marrying him or her, having a family does not even come close to murder or rape…. IT’S F…ING CRAZY S**T.

Finally my mother stated it right and I’m beginning to think so: “I’m worried I’m on a sinking ship.’ I am sorry Ballard but your stay in the boat metaphor is beginning to loss its creditability as me and my family are sea sick and starting to sink.

2015 October LDS General Conference

Over the last couple weeks I have been processing the LDS General Conference.

For the most part I have found for the first time in a long time that all the talks I have listened to, which is many, have had some interesting and useful advice. I have felt that I have been able to successfully filter in and filter out the information I agree and disagree with. Through this I managed to create a reasonably positive experience.

However it was during this conference that we had three new apostles called in the wake of the deaths of Richard G. Scott, Boyd K. Packer and L. Tom Perry. Leading up to this conference I knew that we would have new apostles called.  I hoped and looked forward to (with anxiety in the back of my mind) having some diversity placed within the 12 apostles, diversity being someone that isn’t American or even someone outside of Utah.  To my great sadness and others that I know this did not take place. Three white American Utahn men, Ronald. A. Rasband, Gary E. Stevenson and Dale G. Runlund. Although they have lived outside of America they are non-the less Americans from Utah.  These are educated, financially successful men that appear to fit the apostle mold that has been set for many years, white upper class, successful men. It has been iterated greatly from these men and others that “this call comes from the Lord Jesus Christ.”

I take issue with this statement because God works with what we give him. God works on a yes no format, according to the scriptures that I study.  In Moroni 10: 3-4 it says to ponder these things in your heart and then ask of God if these things are true and he will manifest the truth of them unto you. He will tell you in your mind and in your heart. So I don’t think words can appear from your heart but your heart does produce feelings, a yes or no feeling. The process that takes place is that the 12 put forth names to the prophet and then the prophet goes consults and receives revelation from God for whom he should choose.

My first point about this is that it’s a one-person decision and in the end it is Monson who will decided, isn’t this problematic given Monson's current mental state as suffering from some form of dementia, couldn’t this impair his revelation.  Isn’t it also possible that the names put forth to God were all white men of Utah men that the apostles and prophets picked and men they felt comfortable with, men that stick to the status quo. My point here is that is it possible that the names put forth had no sense of diversity and that the prophet gave God no chance to tell him to place someone from New York, or South America or Japan in these high callings. People say he’s the prophet so it must be right…this frustrates me as prophets have got it wrong before several times and have stated themselves that they make mistakes.  It is possible that this could happen again.

There was so much opportunity here and they missed it. What a great chance to create a greater sense of diversity within the church and especially at the face of the church.

I listened to a great and humorous podcast on Mormon Stories that reviewed the conference. One of panel members spoke rather emotionally of Gary E. Stevenson’s talk. In his talk he spoke of how he as called to be an apostle, his meeting with the prophet and the shock and inadequacy he felt with this call. However there was one thing that stood out to me in this talk and that was when Stevenson described meeting with his wife AFTER his meeting with the prophet. On a bench in Salt Lake City temple square he told his wife Lesa that he had been called to be an apostle. So she wasn’t in this meeting, she wasn’t apart of this life changing decision? Like the women on the podcast I listened to I felt great sadness and sorrow at the way that women were not even a part of this decision, no women and no one that was not an American, or utahn, was made a part of this important process. It was an all male, all white group choosing for millions of people.

This shows to me that as a women and a member of the church outside of America my experience, my opinions and the emotions I feel do not matter. If decisions are going to be made by men for the church throughout the world, male and female then all aspects need to be involved to make important life changing (for those directly effected) decisions. Even on a local level when bishops are called they are usually called in conjunction with their wife’s, why should this be any different in any other calling and within the church.

A BYU-H Experience

In 2012 I went to Brigham Young University in Hawaii. In around April, I packed my life up, got on a plane and moved myself to a Mormon university in the tropics.

Whenever people ask me if I liked it I always answer honestly, perhaps to their shock, “I hated it.” This is a fact.

I’m one of the lucky few to enjoy chronic homesickness and for the first three months I cried everyday, called my parents and lived in a constant state of loneliness and depression.

In the process of thinking about this blog post I thought how can I be positive, how can I not make this a highly pessimistic story. Yes it sucked, but if I had not gone to Hawaii I most likely would not be were I am now.

21st Birthday in Hawaii

So what was it about my experience that made it suck? Firstly homesickness, it is truly a physical sickness and freaking sucks.

My first experience of BYU-H was when I arrived at my Hale (Dorm). It was midnight; I was fresh off a long flight, tired, sad, homesick and lonely. I was greeted without a bed and nowhere but the couch in the Hale common room. It’s fair to say I was annoyed. We had called the University before hand to make sure that the date I arrived would be suitable for me to move into my room.  They stated yes. So I arrived to be told otherwise, no bed and no family around to help me out. But luckily I had friends who gave me their couch for the weekend, people who become friends and a comfort in hard times.

This first negative experience obviously didn’t really set up my BYU-H experience well. I did find some people who I spent time with, but being homesick took a lot of my energy and so being around people, to my own detriment did not happen much.

In addition to my homesickness a sudden influx of post-traumatic stress disorder kicked in. In the wake of the Christchurch earthquake of 2011 and after a year of taking control of the family home and making sure that my parents they stayed sane, my pain around the earthquake took root. Additionally this PTSD and anxiety that came with it rooted me deeply in an eating disorder. My eating disorder was a way of controlling my life through food, exercise and by extension my weight. This gave me some sense of control in my broader life. My mind set was if I could just keep this in control then everything will be ok. I was very skinny and considerably under weight.

I sought help at the BYU-H counseling center but did not gain the treatment and care I deeply needed. The first women I saw as a kiwi, I shared my earthquake experience her and her response was yeah, even over here use kiwis were shocked and shaken by it. I was like WTF lady, you have no idea what you’re talking about, you have no idea what it was like for my family and I. I did not go back to her.

I tried again with a psychologist, explained my anxiety around my weight and food, his response was I can eat whatever I want and nothing happens. Obviously not something that would help or sooth me.

Additionally I worked at the Polynesian Cultural Centre and I hate to say it but worst employers I’ve ever had. I’m pretty sure my boss was racist and felt like I was treated like dirt. My boss and other staff didn’t  seem to care about me which added to a sense of loneliness. I found it cringe worthy that a place could think its ok to put peoples cultures on display for tourists to come and see. For me it totally takes the sacredness out these peoples cultures, particularly as a Kiwi and knowing a little about Maori culture.  Additionally with Americans dressed up as New Zealanders, Samoans, Tahitians, and Tongans etc. it creates a very problematic form of theme park.

The honour code, o my gosh makes my head spin. The compulsory religion/institute classes, where you have to write essays, drove me nuts. Rules like no basketball shorts in the café (who’s food was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had). You cannot have exposed tattoos in the gym, even if they are fake (which you can get from the PCC). Rules about what you wear in the gym, about what kind of exercises you do. RULES RULES RULES! Aren’t we adults attending University how can use our sense of free agency with strict rules, curfews and married hale parents telling people 2 years older than them what to do.

One particular experience in my Hale was when the Resident Advisors came through and took everyone’s rice cookers, kettles, toasters, basically any electric ware that wasn’t a mini fridge. When my friend confronted the Hale mum about it, she said she felt inspired that this was the right thing to do. This women and her husband, some how thought they had the right to receive revelation for everyone and then literally steal their stuff. GRRR I was mad.

Another key experience I remember is when there was a tsunami warning. I was at a concert with a friend and the audience started to get a little restless. My friend told me that there has been a tsunami warning. The host of the concert got up and said that there has been a tsunami warning but that they were going to finish the concert then head to the point, a hill right by the sea. Being post earthquake and in prime PTSD state I started to freak out, my friend was very kind and asked if I would like to leave. I went back to my room to get my stuff so I could go and be with my friends in their hale. As I went into their hale, which was different to mine, I was told I couldn’t come in and had to go back to my own. Being distressed as I was I didn’t take this well. The RA said that everything would be fine and I said to her, trust me its not going to be ok.

Walking back to my Hale alone I entered my roome and immediately called my parents. In tears being scared about what would happen and roommate and her friends came in. My roommate gave me a hug and left. She said it would be fine we’ve said a prayer.

Living through a big natural disaster I knew that it was very likely that things would not be ok, prayer or no prayer. Thinking about it now I find if funny that I was so panicked and upset, while at the same time these people were so ignorant of how this situation could turn out.

I think its clear that I really didn’t want to be there. I tried to figure out a way to get out. I was terrified of leaving as I worried, that GOD might damn me or something as I was there due to my dads advise.  In addition to feeling lonely and homesick I felt scared about what would happen to me if I left. Would my life fall apart? After months of praying, reading scriptures and reading my patriarchal blessing millions of times, I decided to come home and attend Otago University in Dunedin. I realized that no matter what I did, if I did it for the right reasons everything would turn out in the end.

So to round off in a positive way what did my Hawaii experience give me? It made me realize I don’t like being surrounded by hundreds of Mormons. It made me see that I really need professional help with my eating disorder and PTSD. My singing teaching gave me great insight into how the voice works and I learnt a lot from her. I meet hundreds of people form all over the world. Finally I made a deep connection with Yoga. I attended classes there and they really helped me.  Giving me a greater desire to pursue my yoga practice.

A Personal Decision

It’s been an emotional couple of weeks for me. After three weeks of no church (due to dance rehearsals and being sick) I attended my branch. As I sat in the pews, up the front by myself (I’m the pianist) I felt a deep sense of pain, fear and guilt. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I clearly was not enjoying my church experience. For many months now I have come away from church feeling upset, sometimes angry and spend a lot of my evenings crying over the phone to my Dad.

It was on this Sunday that I meet with my branch president to discuss a possible decision around me no longer attending church. He was very kind and we chatted for almost an hour. I explained to him where I had come to in my belief.   I felt that God, Christ and the Holy Ghost whether they are beings or not are the cosmic force of good in the world. I told him that I had become deeply connected to yoga and much of its philosophy. I feel greater spiritual experiences through my yoga practice than I do at church. I told him of an experience I had the day before during my yoga practice of feeling that God was in me and that I was profoundly connected to him/her/it. I tried to explain Krishna, found in the Bhagavad Gita. This figure is defined as he who draws us to himself, the name of an incarnation of Vishnu (second in the Hindu trinity). Vishnu, the cosmic force of goodness, comes to reestablish dharma or law. Krishna is the friend and adviser of the Pandava brothers, especially Arjuna, to whom he reveals the teachings of the Bhagavad Gita. He is the inner Lord, who personifies spiritual love, and lives in the hearts of all beings.

This is what I have come to learn of  God and Christ.

In addition to this I explained that I had come to learn through my yoga practice certain things about my experience over the last year. I went through the temple last year and it was a hard experience for me. I went in the hope to receive healing and insight and I didn’t. At least not in the way I saw or wanted. My branch president said he felt it was right at the time and so did the member of mission presidency. In retrospect I see that this temple experience was the beginning of a transition. I have come to think that this experience was meant to be as it allowed me to really see what religion I was in and really get to the heart of how things were. Before this experience I think I was just going through the motions, didn’t really have a testimony and perhaps relied mainly on my parents ideas and beliefs. In addition to this I explained the change in my relationship with my mum. We were very close and since my transition that relationship has changed. Now I see it as a healthy change, as I was perhaps overly reliant and attached to her. As a result I have become much closer with my sister and I am so grateful for that relationship and the great strength and joy it brings to my life.

After my talk with my branch president I felt happy and excited about my decision.  I felt this was a decision made for me.  I made it clear it was not out of anger or spite but out of my need to find the good in my life. As there was only 30 minutes left of church I stayed for the end of relief society. They played a Mormon message from Elder Holland and I remember him saying to stay on the road, stay with the gospel. I then felt confused and anxious again as once again I didn’t know what to do. I later thought that just because I don’t go to church does not mean I ‘m not with the gospel. I believe I can still stay engaged with the gospel and learn new things through my own observance.

Later that week I emailed my parents a long email to explain my decision and I made it clear I was not leaving “the church” or “the gospel” I was just not going to church. I went home to my family that weekend. There was a little tension but we went on with it.  On Sunday just before I was getting ready to drive back down south my Dad stated that his concern was that I would not be taking the sacrament and therefore I wouldn’t have the Holy Ghost in my life. Thus lacking the ability to reach my full potential. I stated that I don’t think my life is going to be predicated on whether I attend church. He gave examples of those he thinks are drifting through life because they don’t go to church or don’t take the sacrament, therefore lacking the spirit that he thinks comes with it.

There were tears and I explained how scared I am and the pain I feel at church. I explained that I just want to be good enough; I want friends and a like-minded community where I feel like I fit in and am welcome. The church doesn’t give me that. One thing I highlighted was that in the church I’m of the age where I should be married and I’m not, so I don’t fit the mold and am therefore I am the odd one out. In addition to this a mission has come up a lot, particularly as I had a blessing to advise me such. I have clearly stated that I don’t want to serve a mission as I don’t want to convert people to the LDS church, as I don’t think anyone should have to experience it in such a negative way as I have and I don’t know if its true.

We came out of the conversation with the idea that I’m taking a break. I’m not totally leaving I’m just having some time out and we shall see what happens.

I am still very confused and scared. I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life. I can’t shake this church and belief system that has been a part of my life and I honestly wish I could. This church I’ve been going to for my whole has filled my social network and my Sunday. Now I have a whole day free and have to find a new community.

I’m in a very confusing situation as I have so many issues with the church, which confuse me and frustrate me. If this is meant to be the true church, a kind good place how can it cause so much pain and confusion. One thing that scares me the most is that what if there is something wrong with me and I have to change to be good enough.

I still pray everyday to know if God/Christ and the Holy Ghost are there, but now I pray to a mother and father or the goodness of the universe. I do want to know and yet I still don’t have a strong affirmation. Maybe I’m asking too much, but I just want to feel good no matter where I am and honestly I don’t feel good with the church but I’m afraid when I’m not with it.

So today I’m not going to church, I’m doing yoga and going to the movies. We shall see where this journey takes me, but if you read this please think of me and know that I am trying in the best way I can at the moment.