GOING BACK!

Taking on the calling of female YSA advisor has been a bit of a love hate relationship. I want to show my support to the YSA and to let them know I am available, so I usually only go to YSA Sunday School because I don't want to go to three hours of church.

My past Sunday practice when I was living in Dunedin was yoga in the morning and I would go to the movies in the afternoon. I always felt so refreshed for my week and really looked forward to my Sundays. I consider my yoga practice my most spiritual practice and vital to my spiritual, emotional and physical life. Having to give up this practice has been a challenge for me, not only because of church attendance but also just a general lack of time. The absence of church attendance in my life was a very refreshing and enjoyable experience.

I have previously mentioned how changing my church attendance made me happier and life was easier.  A few weeks ago a friend of mine wrote a blog that articulated my feelings perfectly. She was talking about her own experience of no longer attending church. She said she felt like she was more Christ like and more selfless. I totally have noticed a difference in myself from when I’m attending church and not. Once I had decided to take some time away from the church my life felt lighter in some way. I felt like I was more willing to give as I didn’t constantly have to feel guilty about what I was and was not doing.  I felt like a much more open person and less self-involved (I think). Truth be told, I seemed to enjoy my life a lot more. I felt like my life was much more enhanced spiritually, because I could live and worship in my own way and I no longer felt the quilt I’d been living with for so long.

In going back to church (in some ways) a lot of this experience has been reversed.  I have found myself a lot more irritated and frustrated at times, especially around church things. I feel like this is due to the fact that the things that frustrated me previously are immediately in my life again. I find myself somewhat less willing to give of myself as I am so frustrated and even hurt at times. There have been times where I'm in a class being asked to list the evils of the world. I'm told to encourage people to look clean and tidy, and I hear people being told to shave. I just want to scream but at times it also just makes me want to cry. 

Additionally as the rep I find it challenging and offensive that I have to report to others on what I want to plan and do, priesthood holders and married couples. That the activities I do want to hold or that I even attend have to be supervised by married priesthood holders. Combining all of these things and some of the cultural and institution structures I find the church can be a negative environment and I  have found it takes a toll on me.

However, one of the perks of this calling is that I am basically a social coordinator. I just have to think of awesome things to do. Due to all my negative experiences and frustrations I have decided and am trying to put them aside. I have approached this from a no quilt perspective. In the process of this calling I have decided to work it on my terms. I do not want to be tied down by rules or conformity. I am an adult and I am able to act as such. Due to this approach I feel a greater sense of freedom in my relationship to the church. I choose if I want to go, based purely on how I feel at the time. I  have managed to rekindle old relationships and created new ones. Yes my relationship with the Mormon church it is still conflicted and yes it still drives me crazy but I’m living and doing this church thing on my own terms.

A Calling for Change

A few weeks ago I was at home and received a call from my church Bishop requesting to see me on the coming Sunday. Of course I said yes I’ve known this man my whole life, but deep down I was scared, what is happening, why would the Bishop of my ward (in which I have not been to for over a year)  as  I have not been living in another city and have chosen not to attend any longer. I was nervous and wondered what did he want and especially from the stories I had heard and various excommunications over the last while I was worried what have I done, what does he want.

I meet with him and I went to sacrament meeting. He was friendly and asked how I was doing and we had a nice chat. Then he offered me a calling of being the Young single adult rep for the ward (FYI I hate the term ysa, I this it blatantly points at singleness as a negative thing).  I said I would think about it and I thought about it and did not really know what to do. Of course being limited in my current social life it would be a good opportunity but that was not really a main factor for me. But later in the week I text him my answer (as he wanted to know before the following Sunday) and I said yes I’ll do it. Honestly I’m not sure why I did, truth be told I feel like I’ve grown out of YSA, its purpose is something I am very much against, but my bishop thought it would be good for other YSA to see and hear my views etc.

I was sustained last week while I was at work (I work a lot of Sundays) and I consequently received multiple text messages from people asking to meet with me and talk to me about the calling I was a little, perhaps overwhelm I guess, would be the only word to explain it, but I guess it was official I am now a female YSA rep.

But now that means I have to go to church? I think the hardest part for me is that I see the church as doing so many reasonably unpleasant things, the policy of 2015 regard gays, excommunications on ridiculous grounds and well I could go on. I think one of the challenges for me is being associated with a religious “institution” that does things I see as being extremely cruel.

(But getting back on topic about this new calling of mine) I’m not sure how to approach it. I have this plan of inventing my own calling and making the role my own and basically doing whatever the hell I want in a good way of course (otherwise I’ll get in trouble). I did have this image of myself wrecking havoc with my non-orthodox views, my opinions on the GA’s and trying to convince people of the ridiculousness of certain things, but that’s not really my place and I fully realize that. But I do plan on putting aside rules etc. We are adults and I am not following rules of older adults just because, they are older, have the priesthood, are male and/or are married.

Here I am venting again –mirror of my state at the moment not knowing how to approach this whole thing.

How do I be a part of something I don’t agree with and not only that but represent it in the form of a calling. What is my purpose in this calling, what the hell am I meant to do? If anything I think for me at the moment this is a social calling if anything and I plan to use it that way and do things that are actually fun and worth doing. I’m sorry but I’m tired to lam dances with bad D.Js, tired of silly discussions on marriage and how me must be fulfilling this role  and frankly I find it insulting. I want to make it engaging and shake this idea that our value is found in marriage and we must reach that goal. Let’s talk about the real life issues of being an adult, jobs, careers, looking at what we are actually learning culturally, spiritually, emotionally and how it affects our lives in a positive and a negative way.

To sum it all up, I’m not sure how to approach this situation/new calling/ church attendance/general direct involvement with the organization, but if I am going to do this I want it to be able to make some kind of a difference and really influence some change.

But one thing is for sure, I will march to my own drum to bring about the change I  think we are deeply in need of.
I hope I can survive going back to church as it is a decision that does not make my life easier, but I hope it will benefit other peoples life's and that I can be a positive influence for a desperate and radical need for change.

The Challenge

I have not been writing lately as I have not really had much to say, but lately I’ve found myself challenged as I go through a big life transition. There is a lot of different thought and experience I am sharing here so I apologise for the mash up.

One of the biggest challenges is navigating a new life for myself while also feeling like I can’t fit anywhere. As I have chosen to stop attending church the hardest part is figuring out how to live my life outside it. I’ve spent my whole life being a latter day saint and how do you shake the ideas that have been engrained in me. The church is all I’ve ever known and now I’m in a state of not knowing. I don’t know what’s right or what’s true and that’s a scary place to be in.

One of the things that challenge’s me the most is the thought that I’m not good enough and that if God does exist he won’t want me or hear me. A few weeks back I had a moment of desperation where I needed and wanted something so badly and I was afraid that I would not be good enough for it. I’m so afraid that I’m not good enough and that no matter how hard I pray or try I won’t ever be good enough. Because I don’t go to church I worry that my life won’t work out but at the same time I think there is no way that God could work like that. Its like I'm playing a war in my brain with logical and illogical thoughts. 

Another challenge I experience is fitting in and people say to me why don’t you spend time with the YSA and the truth is I don’t fit in at all. I can’t find a way to fit in inside the church or outside the church.

All my life I feel like I’ve been told that the Mormons are the good ones and anything other is bad and that in some way I also interpreted that as you should only spend time with members and stay away from what is said to be “bad influences” or “worldly people. ” I hate these terms and I don’t actually agree with any of these ideas. The trouble is they are all I know and I don’t know how to be or do anything else.

I don’t fit the mold in the church and I don’t fit the mold outside of it. I’m 24 and in Mormon land that means I should be married or at least aiming for it. Almost all my friends that I know in the church are either married with a kid, engaged, newly married or at least dating and I’m not. The church creates all these ideas of how things should be and when things should be. Marriage, babies, dating I feel like they plan your whole life out for you and when that plan doesn’t work out they blame you, push and pressure you even harder. Every CES, YSA convention or fireside that I've every been to is about getting married and that we must get onto it fast.

I still pray and read my scriptures and I so want a relationship with Christ and my heavenly parents I want them to be there and I want to feel loved. I ask my self the question as I write this why can’t I go to church, why don’t I choose the Mormon church and part of me isn’t sure and part of me is afraid, what if I’m not good enough either way ( in or out). But also the answer comes to me I don’t like the church, I don’t like what it doesn’t to people and honestly I don’t like its leadership, I can’t stand the way its run and I hate the way it makes me feel and to be totally honest its boring and I’m the kind of person that really needs inspiration and the church does not give that to me. Also this doesn’t mean I dislike everyone, but I ask the question how can people that are meant to be Christian or Christ like be so cold and cruel at the same time. I know I’m not perfect and I know that humans aren’t perfect, but surely we can know when we are being cruel at least. Policies that are released, excommunications or comments over pulpits, etc.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that its hard for me to be a part of this but yet its hard for me to shake it and to also shake the guilt thats associated with all this. Am I good enough, will I ever be…does God even want me as I am, because I think its barbaric to change who I am simply to please an institution. 

I’m trying to find God and the peace and love I want so much. Some people seem to think that as I’ve stopped church I’ve stopped God, stopped it all. But I want GOD, Christ, Krishna, Vishu, Buddha, Allah who ever it is. 

2016 - Gratitude

One of my intentions for 2016 is gratitude. I want to see more beauty in things even if the situation isn’t so great and things perhaps suck.

I listen to a lot of Mormon podcasts with A Thoughtful Faith, Mormon Stories and Mormon Matters. It strikes me in these podcasts that some people found out about certain aspects of the church later in their lives, i.e. Joseph Smith's polygamy, polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, certain aspects of Joseph Smith's character, even other general authorities, multiple renditions of the first vision and the roles of women etc.

I mean this as no criticism of these people and I here the struggle they go through when they find out aspects of our church history and doctrine otherwise unknown to them.

 My long-winded point here is that I am lucky to have been brought up in a home where many of these things were common knowledge. I was born into a house where dialogue and sunstone magazines were very present; I was informed of Joseph Smith's polygamy at a young age. I have noticed the treatment of women from a young age through my feminist mother. I was lucky to be taught by my mother in Young Women’s who highlighted that my worth was beyond being a wife and mother. There are shelves and shelves in my parents house dedicated to church books, history, polygamy, faith I could go on. 

I grew up in a home where education and questions were encouraged.

Some people say to me that I’m very negative about the church and I want to eradicate that from my mind and life and here I wish to state the things I am grateful for about the church.

1. I am grateful for the friends it has given me over the years. During my time in Dunedin and Hawaii I made some amazing friends, whom I greatly miss and if it wasn’t for the church I may not of meet them.
2. I am grateful for the sense of spirituality the church has given me so that I am able to see it elsewhere.
3.   I am grateful for the theology taught to me about Christ, God and The Holy Ghost.
4.   I am grateful for the musical knowledge that church has given me.
5.   I am grateful for the scriptural knowledge the church has given me
6.    I am grateful for the communities of people that the church gives me who know and understand how hard things are for me at times.
7.  I am grateful for the YSA program and the people I have been able to meet through it.
8. I am grateful for the churches teachings on the importance of family.
9.  I am grateful for the support the church has given me over the years, especially as a student when things can be tough.
10. I am grateful that the church has taught me the importance of who I am and how valuable I am.

The church, although it may make me feel sad and disappointed at times has given me so much it has taught me how to love, how to serve, how to care, how to listen to the spirit.  I love what the church has given me, I love that there are people of all kinds in this organization and I love that I can find people like me in it but also people not like me, because without the church I probably would not know the many people that I do.

I hope that these positive things can be emphasized in the organization and I hope and look forward to a brighter future whether  I am in or out. I am still a Mormon and this will (I believe) always be my church and my community. 

A New Policy and A Whole Lot of CRAP -explicit

I am not really sure how I feel at this moment. I am a mix of frustration, confusion, complete sadness and anger; this new policy has made a bad situation worse.  I’m not sure where to start as it has brought up so much for me (so please forgive me if this sounds jumbled).

Where should I start: family.  My family has been in the church for a long time. My siblings and I were born into the church, all three of my older siblings have served missions and all are married with children. There is diversity in my family, three of us are rather progressive liberal Mormons and my parents and brother are a little more orthodox and conservative. Since the beginning of my faith transition and decision to take a break from church, I have felt a shift in my family dynamic. My oldest brother and sister have been on this road a little longer than me but we seem to share similar opinions, which is nice to have around. But I feel this comes at a price and I have really begun to feel pain and a bit of anger towards the church the last few days. Don’t get me wrong all my family is on the same page with this new policy, that it is wrong and a violation of civil rights. However in other things we differ and it’s really hard. For my parents and brother the church is, it there is only one way and it’s the church.  I find it ironic that a church that is so focused on creating happy eternal families seems to create such strife and sadness. I feel really sad that I end up having arguments with my family over certain things because we can’t have a civilized discussion about my thoughts and feelings.

I feel like the LDS church have people so hooked so deeply entrenched that any alternative or possibility that it might be wrong, that it might be going down the wrong track is not possible. This church is causing so much pain and heartache and I see it everyday, and yet they seem to just disregard it completely.

My family is the most important thing in the world to me and, it feels like the LDS church is creating a rift in it. For many people and I feel this in my own family, the problem is the person (me) not the church.

It is my fault that I have panic attacks about choosing whether to go to church or not, my fault that I come away feeling horrible and depressed after almost every church meeting or event. Why is the church so removed from these kinds of situations when they are the primary factor in them? The old men at the top can put forth whatever they want with the feelings of its members totally disregarded.

I’ve heard many people say to me especially over the last couple days, pray and I promise your will receive revelation. I can tell you now that I have been praying non-stop my whole life and especially over the last couple years and I have nothing. I cannot say there is a God I cannot say Christ exists. I pray specifically everyday and I get nothing and I’m beginning to think there is nothing there. I feel like I’ve done almost everything right in my life (in Mormon terms) and I have nothing, I have no testimony all I have from the Mormon church is pain, family conflicts and deep deep heartache.

The Policy

              that children under the age of 18 from these (homosexual) relationships, and who live at least part-time in the home of a parent in a same-sex relationship, may not be given a name and a blessing in an official church setting (one that would generate a membership record for them), nor can they be baptized, receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, be ordained to priesthood, or serve a mission. At age 18, baptism and mission service come back onto the table as a possibility for them, should they desire, but in order to qualify for consideration, they must satisfy a stake or mission president that they repudiate same-sex relationships and affirm the Church’s teachings and policies concerning them. At that point, their case is referred to the First Presidency who must then give approval before their baptism or mission processes can go forward.

(Btw this process is filter through a whole bunch of men)

I have two gay cousins in my family and I have several gay friends and I find this extremely offensive. I’m sorry bur this is some fucked up shit. You are denying the right for someone to love, to worship in the way they wish. The church made their point about their stance on homosexuality but this is crossing the line.  They seem to be filtering out the riff raff they don’t want. If you do not fit the mold then you’re out. I am in full support of gay marriage and gay families and think the church have it totally wrong, does that make me apostate.

My dad stated it well: what if one of my brothers went off with another man, then my dad would not be able to baptize his grandchildren, he couldn’t bless is grandchildren, in away they are removing his priesthood authority (which is a whole other story).

Also don’t get me started on the churches process of producing this policy. If it were not leaked it would have been snuck into the handbooks for the bishops and stake presidents to see. Man the church is good at trying to be sneaky. Always sneaking essays discretely onto LDS.org so that no one really knows about it.  But that way they can say they have spoken about it and disregard it.

Can you tell I’m frustrated and sizzling?

And just to add let’s talk about how homosexuality and its marriage have been put on the same sin list as rape and murder. I’m sorry but loving someone of the same sex and marrying him or her, having a family does not even come close to murder or rape…. IT’S F…ING CRAZY S**T.

Finally my mother stated it right and I’m beginning to think so: “I’m worried I’m on a sinking ship.’ I am sorry Ballard but your stay in the boat metaphor is beginning to loss its creditability as me and my family are sea sick and starting to sink.