Still " hard to stay, but harder to leave"

I’m still on this rant, it's true. The past week has been rough for me as I've come to realise that going to church doesn't make me happy and I come away feeling worse than I did before.

It's so hard to stay because I don't fit the mold. It hurts to attend an organisation where my conversation isn't part of any conversation. I am surrounded by women who are married and having babies and as I have said before I am at the age where I should be married. In all honesty I don’t want to get married, don’t get me wrong, having companionship would be nice, but marriage is just too much for me.
No one talks about the issues in the church that real people are having, it's like they are just ignored. If you ignore it then maybe it will go away. But I’m still here and I’m still hurting and doubting. Being a minority sucks, but ignorance and rejection of that minority is even worse.
As a doubter and questioner my doubts and questions are considered evil and I am set apart from those people that surround me. I was reading in Moroni last night the last chapter and it said somethings that brought me to tears. Moroni 10: 19-….
….All these gifts of which I have spoken, which are spiritual, never will be done away, even as long as the world shall stand, only according to the unbelief of the children of men.
Wherefore, there must be faith and if there must be faith there must also be hope; and if there must be hope there must also be charity.
And except ye have charity ye can in nowise be saved in the kingdom of God if ye have not faith; neither can ye if ye have no hope.
And if ye have no hope ye must needs be in despair; and despair cometh because of iniquity.
And Christ truly said unto our fathers: If ye have faith ye can do all things which  are expedient unto me.
And now I speak unto all the ends of the earth—that if the day cometh that the power and gifts of God shall be done away among you, it shall be because of unbelief.
And wo be unto the children of men if this be the case for there shall be none that doeth good among you, no not one…
And wo unto them who shall do these things away and die, for they die in their sins, and they cannot be saved in the kingdom of God; and I speak it according to the words of Christ; and I lie not.
This tells me that I’m not good enough and that my acts are evil and that I’m evil and that as a doubter and as a non-believer there is no place for me in the church, God's world or kingdom.
It’s hard to stay because I feel there isn’t a place for me. I am in despair about my church experience and thus I am told I am in iniquity I am a sinner. I have lost my faith and thus my hope and therefore I cannot be saved.
I do everything right, I read my scriptures and pray everyday and I go to church and fulfill my calling and I feel nothing and I have nothing.

It’s hard to stay when you have nothing to hold on to.

But why is it harder to leave. I have no where to go. My whole life has been set up around the church. My whole social experience. A social experience that I now feel I don’t fit into. Its harder to leave because what if I’m wrong and I’m damned. I get to the end and I can’t be with my family. I’m afraid, that’s why it's harder to leave. How do I start my life all over again. My family also sits in that. My parents have voiced their own fears of their children leaving the church. How will my relationship be affected with my parents. I don’t even know how to leave and because I have so many doubts I have no idea what I am leaving.

Hard to stay.....part 2

In continuing the question to, ‘why it’s hard to stay’, the thought that comes to mind is being single in the church. As a woman who is reaching her mid twenties, there is a general belief and widespread thinking within the church that, I should be married by now like many of my friends and having children. I feel like an outsider and I’m tired of the line “oh you’ll get married”, when there is no proof that such a thing will happen. The Family Proclamation to the World states, ‘that the family is ordained of God and that it is the goal of Heavenly Father’. I ask the question, ‘why?’. What does that mean for those of us who aren’t married and don’t have children? Or for those who can’t have children?

In a church where this is the dominant paradigm for women, ‘how do we be single and yet also be involved?’. As a women it is a big ask to require one to marry inside the church and to wait for their ‘eternal companion’, (I hate that term). It is well known that the church population is by majority, women. From the outset, not everyone will be able to marry within the church.

Continuing on with being single there is this idea that as a person or a group we are inferior.  As YSA it is drilled into us that you need to prepare for marriage. Eternal marriage classes are taught in institute and this should be our ultimate goal. I can’t help but say forget about it. I’ve learned that if something is going to happen it will happen. It’s not fair that we have to sit and listen to a married couple (who are sometimes younger than you) tell us about the importance of marriage and how you need to fulfill this commandment.

This leads into another issue around marriage and that is same sex marriage. I’m all for it. We should have the right to choose who we love and how we love. The church has such a strong emphasis on marriage and tries to control it, I feel sickened by this control. In around 2008 the church endorsed and encouraged members, especially in California to publically voice their opinions and opposition to same sex-marriage in connection to ‘Proposition 8’. This story seemed huge and I feel is still an issue today particularly as the church supposedly stays away from political issues. Members were picketing on their front lawns; they were giving money to the campaign. People’s recommends were taken off them if they didn’t participate and some were banned from speaking in church, praying or teaching. As a result the church has gained a rather negative reputation, especially in California.

I seriously don’t see the issue with same sex marriage and I don’t see the issue with being single. I feel as if I’m a plague and I must be cured. I have no voice as a single woman, I am told what to do by married people, and the callings above mine are for married people. Just the title in itself, ‘Young Single Adult’, points directly at my singleness, which needs to be relinquished.

Moving back to same sex marriage, ‘The Family Proclamation to the World’, talks about gender stating: ‘Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose’.  If we look at the various definitions of gender we can learn that gender is actually a social construction, i.e. roles and attributes given to us as we grow up. What constitutes ‘gender’, is cultural, not an absolute fact. Gender is made up of codes and is thought of as something we perform, rather than something we are. This is an important point in conjunction with same sex marriage and the, ‘Family Proclamation to the World’. So the church states that same sex marriage is not of God. But in terms of men and women they do not talk about biological sex, but rather gender identity, which could be gay, lesbian, heterosexual, bi, etc. If the gender we identify with is an essential characteristic and if marriage is essential then shouldn’t marriage in any form be of God. No matter whom you marry you are fulfilling your essential individual characteristic.