I have not been writing lately as I have
not really had much to say, but lately I’ve found myself challenged as I go
through a big life transition. There is a lot of different thought and experience I am sharing here so I apologise for the mash up.
One of the biggest challenges is navigating
a new life for myself while also feeling like I can’t fit anywhere. As I have
chosen to stop attending church the hardest part is figuring out how to live my
life outside it. I’ve spent my whole life being a latter day saint and how do
you shake the ideas that have been engrained in me. The church is all I’ve ever
known and now I’m in a state of not knowing. I don’t know what’s right or what’s
true and that’s a scary place to be in.
One of the things that challenge’s me the
most is the thought that I’m not good enough and that if God does exist he
won’t want me or hear me. A few weeks back I had a moment of desperation where
I needed and wanted something so badly and I was afraid that I would not be
good enough for it. I’m so afraid that I’m not good enough and that no matter
how hard I pray or try I won’t ever be good enough. Because I don’t go to
church I worry that my life won’t work out but at the same time I think there
is no way that God could work like that. Its like I'm playing a war in my brain with logical and illogical thoughts.
Another challenge I experience is fitting
in and people say to me why don’t you spend time with the YSA and the truth is
I don’t fit in at all. I can’t find a way to fit in inside the church or
outside the church.
All my life I feel like I’ve been told that
the Mormons are the good ones and anything other is bad and that in some way I
also interpreted that as you should only spend time with members and stay away
from what is said to be “bad influences” or “worldly people. ” I hate these
terms and I don’t actually agree with any of these ideas. The trouble is they
are all I know and I don’t know how to be or do anything else.
I don’t fit the mold in the church and I
don’t fit the mold outside of it. I’m 24 and in Mormon land that means I should
be married or at least aiming for it. Almost all my friends that I know in the
church are either married with a kid, engaged, newly married or at least dating
and I’m not. The church creates all these ideas of how things should be and
when things should be. Marriage, babies, dating I feel like they plan your
whole life out for you and when that plan doesn’t work out they blame you, push
and pressure you even harder. Every CES, YSA convention or fireside that I've every been to is about
getting married and that we must get onto it fast.
I still pray and read my scriptures and I
so want a relationship with Christ and my heavenly parents I want them to be
there and I want to feel loved. I ask my self the question as I write this why
can’t I go to church, why don’t I choose the Mormon church and part of me isn’t
sure and part of me is afraid, what if I’m not good enough either way ( in or out). But also
the answer comes to me I don’t like the church, I don’t like what it doesn’t to
people and honestly I don’t like its leadership, I can’t stand the way its run
and I hate the way it makes me feel and to be totally honest its boring and I’m
the kind of person that really needs inspiration and the church does not give that to me. Also this doesn’t mean I
dislike everyone, but I ask the question how can people that are meant to be
Christian or Christ like be so cold and cruel at the same time. I know I’m not
perfect and I know that humans aren’t perfect, but surely we can know when we
are being cruel at least. Policies that are released, excommunications or
comments over pulpits, etc.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that its
hard for me to be a part of this but yet its hard for me to shake it and to
also shake the guilt thats associated with all this. Am I good enough, will I ever
be…does God even want me as I am, because I think its barbaric to change who I am simply to please an institution.
I’m trying to find God and the peace and
love I want so much. Some people seem to think that as I’ve stopped church I’ve
stopped God, stopped it all. But I want GOD, Christ, Krishna, Vishu, Buddha, Allah who ever it is.
