A Calling for Change

A few weeks ago I was at home and received a call from my church Bishop requesting to see me on the coming Sunday. Of course I said yes I’ve known this man my whole life, but deep down I was scared, what is happening, why would the Bishop of my ward (in which I have not been to for over a year)  as  I have not been living in another city and have chosen not to attend any longer. I was nervous and wondered what did he want and especially from the stories I had heard and various excommunications over the last while I was worried what have I done, what does he want.

I meet with him and I went to sacrament meeting. He was friendly and asked how I was doing and we had a nice chat. Then he offered me a calling of being the Young single adult rep for the ward (FYI I hate the term ysa, I this it blatantly points at singleness as a negative thing).  I said I would think about it and I thought about it and did not really know what to do. Of course being limited in my current social life it would be a good opportunity but that was not really a main factor for me. But later in the week I text him my answer (as he wanted to know before the following Sunday) and I said yes I’ll do it. Honestly I’m not sure why I did, truth be told I feel like I’ve grown out of YSA, its purpose is something I am very much against, but my bishop thought it would be good for other YSA to see and hear my views etc.

I was sustained last week while I was at work (I work a lot of Sundays) and I consequently received multiple text messages from people asking to meet with me and talk to me about the calling I was a little, perhaps overwhelm I guess, would be the only word to explain it, but I guess it was official I am now a female YSA rep.

But now that means I have to go to church? I think the hardest part for me is that I see the church as doing so many reasonably unpleasant things, the policy of 2015 regard gays, excommunications on ridiculous grounds and well I could go on. I think one of the challenges for me is being associated with a religious “institution” that does things I see as being extremely cruel.

(But getting back on topic about this new calling of mine) I’m not sure how to approach it. I have this plan of inventing my own calling and making the role my own and basically doing whatever the hell I want in a good way of course (otherwise I’ll get in trouble). I did have this image of myself wrecking havoc with my non-orthodox views, my opinions on the GA’s and trying to convince people of the ridiculousness of certain things, but that’s not really my place and I fully realize that. But I do plan on putting aside rules etc. We are adults and I am not following rules of older adults just because, they are older, have the priesthood, are male and/or are married.

Here I am venting again –mirror of my state at the moment not knowing how to approach this whole thing.

How do I be a part of something I don’t agree with and not only that but represent it in the form of a calling. What is my purpose in this calling, what the hell am I meant to do? If anything I think for me at the moment this is a social calling if anything and I plan to use it that way and do things that are actually fun and worth doing. I’m sorry but I’m tired to lam dances with bad D.Js, tired of silly discussions on marriage and how me must be fulfilling this role  and frankly I find it insulting. I want to make it engaging and shake this idea that our value is found in marriage and we must reach that goal. Let’s talk about the real life issues of being an adult, jobs, careers, looking at what we are actually learning culturally, spiritually, emotionally and how it affects our lives in a positive and a negative way.

To sum it all up, I’m not sure how to approach this situation/new calling/ church attendance/general direct involvement with the organization, but if I am going to do this I want it to be able to make some kind of a difference and really influence some change.

But one thing is for sure, I will march to my own drum to bring about the change I  think we are deeply in need of.
I hope I can survive going back to church as it is a decision that does not make my life easier, but I hope it will benefit other peoples life's and that I can be a positive influence for a desperate and radical need for change.