A New Policy and A Whole Lot of CRAP -explicit

I am not really sure how I feel at this moment. I am a mix of frustration, confusion, complete sadness and anger; this new policy has made a bad situation worse.  I’m not sure where to start as it has brought up so much for me (so please forgive me if this sounds jumbled).

Where should I start: family.  My family has been in the church for a long time. My siblings and I were born into the church, all three of my older siblings have served missions and all are married with children. There is diversity in my family, three of us are rather progressive liberal Mormons and my parents and brother are a little more orthodox and conservative. Since the beginning of my faith transition and decision to take a break from church, I have felt a shift in my family dynamic. My oldest brother and sister have been on this road a little longer than me but we seem to share similar opinions, which is nice to have around. But I feel this comes at a price and I have really begun to feel pain and a bit of anger towards the church the last few days. Don’t get me wrong all my family is on the same page with this new policy, that it is wrong and a violation of civil rights. However in other things we differ and it’s really hard. For my parents and brother the church is, it there is only one way and it’s the church.  I find it ironic that a church that is so focused on creating happy eternal families seems to create such strife and sadness. I feel really sad that I end up having arguments with my family over certain things because we can’t have a civilized discussion about my thoughts and feelings.

I feel like the LDS church have people so hooked so deeply entrenched that any alternative or possibility that it might be wrong, that it might be going down the wrong track is not possible. This church is causing so much pain and heartache and I see it everyday, and yet they seem to just disregard it completely.

My family is the most important thing in the world to me and, it feels like the LDS church is creating a rift in it. For many people and I feel this in my own family, the problem is the person (me) not the church.

It is my fault that I have panic attacks about choosing whether to go to church or not, my fault that I come away feeling horrible and depressed after almost every church meeting or event. Why is the church so removed from these kinds of situations when they are the primary factor in them? The old men at the top can put forth whatever they want with the feelings of its members totally disregarded.

I’ve heard many people say to me especially over the last couple days, pray and I promise your will receive revelation. I can tell you now that I have been praying non-stop my whole life and especially over the last couple years and I have nothing. I cannot say there is a God I cannot say Christ exists. I pray specifically everyday and I get nothing and I’m beginning to think there is nothing there. I feel like I’ve done almost everything right in my life (in Mormon terms) and I have nothing, I have no testimony all I have from the Mormon church is pain, family conflicts and deep deep heartache.

The Policy

              that children under the age of 18 from these (homosexual) relationships, and who live at least part-time in the home of a parent in a same-sex relationship, may not be given a name and a blessing in an official church setting (one that would generate a membership record for them), nor can they be baptized, receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, be ordained to priesthood, or serve a mission. At age 18, baptism and mission service come back onto the table as a possibility for them, should they desire, but in order to qualify for consideration, they must satisfy a stake or mission president that they repudiate same-sex relationships and affirm the Church’s teachings and policies concerning them. At that point, their case is referred to the First Presidency who must then give approval before their baptism or mission processes can go forward.

(Btw this process is filter through a whole bunch of men)

I have two gay cousins in my family and I have several gay friends and I find this extremely offensive. I’m sorry bur this is some fucked up shit. You are denying the right for someone to love, to worship in the way they wish. The church made their point about their stance on homosexuality but this is crossing the line.  They seem to be filtering out the riff raff they don’t want. If you do not fit the mold then you’re out. I am in full support of gay marriage and gay families and think the church have it totally wrong, does that make me apostate.

My dad stated it well: what if one of my brothers went off with another man, then my dad would not be able to baptize his grandchildren, he couldn’t bless is grandchildren, in away they are removing his priesthood authority (which is a whole other story).

Also don’t get me started on the churches process of producing this policy. If it were not leaked it would have been snuck into the handbooks for the bishops and stake presidents to see. Man the church is good at trying to be sneaky. Always sneaking essays discretely onto LDS.org so that no one really knows about it.  But that way they can say they have spoken about it and disregard it.

Can you tell I’m frustrated and sizzling?

And just to add let’s talk about how homosexuality and its marriage have been put on the same sin list as rape and murder. I’m sorry but loving someone of the same sex and marrying him or her, having a family does not even come close to murder or rape…. IT’S F…ING CRAZY S**T.

Finally my mother stated it right and I’m beginning to think so: “I’m worried I’m on a sinking ship.’ I am sorry Ballard but your stay in the boat metaphor is beginning to loss its creditability as me and my family are sea sick and starting to sink.