A Personal Decision

It’s been an emotional couple of weeks for me. After three weeks of no church (due to dance rehearsals and being sick) I attended my branch. As I sat in the pews, up the front by myself (I’m the pianist) I felt a deep sense of pain, fear and guilt. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I clearly was not enjoying my church experience. For many months now I have come away from church feeling upset, sometimes angry and spend a lot of my evenings crying over the phone to my Dad.

It was on this Sunday that I meet with my branch president to discuss a possible decision around me no longer attending church. He was very kind and we chatted for almost an hour. I explained to him where I had come to in my belief.   I felt that God, Christ and the Holy Ghost whether they are beings or not are the cosmic force of good in the world. I told him that I had become deeply connected to yoga and much of its philosophy. I feel greater spiritual experiences through my yoga practice than I do at church. I told him of an experience I had the day before during my yoga practice of feeling that God was in me and that I was profoundly connected to him/her/it. I tried to explain Krishna, found in the Bhagavad Gita. This figure is defined as he who draws us to himself, the name of an incarnation of Vishnu (second in the Hindu trinity). Vishnu, the cosmic force of goodness, comes to reestablish dharma or law. Krishna is the friend and adviser of the Pandava brothers, especially Arjuna, to whom he reveals the teachings of the Bhagavad Gita. He is the inner Lord, who personifies spiritual love, and lives in the hearts of all beings.

This is what I have come to learn of  God and Christ.

In addition to this I explained that I had come to learn through my yoga practice certain things about my experience over the last year. I went through the temple last year and it was a hard experience for me. I went in the hope to receive healing and insight and I didn’t. At least not in the way I saw or wanted. My branch president said he felt it was right at the time and so did the member of mission presidency. In retrospect I see that this temple experience was the beginning of a transition. I have come to think that this experience was meant to be as it allowed me to really see what religion I was in and really get to the heart of how things were. Before this experience I think I was just going through the motions, didn’t really have a testimony and perhaps relied mainly on my parents ideas and beliefs. In addition to this I explained the change in my relationship with my mum. We were very close and since my transition that relationship has changed. Now I see it as a healthy change, as I was perhaps overly reliant and attached to her. As a result I have become much closer with my sister and I am so grateful for that relationship and the great strength and joy it brings to my life.

After my talk with my branch president I felt happy and excited about my decision.  I felt this was a decision made for me.  I made it clear it was not out of anger or spite but out of my need to find the good in my life. As there was only 30 minutes left of church I stayed for the end of relief society. They played a Mormon message from Elder Holland and I remember him saying to stay on the road, stay with the gospel. I then felt confused and anxious again as once again I didn’t know what to do. I later thought that just because I don’t go to church does not mean I ‘m not with the gospel. I believe I can still stay engaged with the gospel and learn new things through my own observance.

Later that week I emailed my parents a long email to explain my decision and I made it clear I was not leaving “the church” or “the gospel” I was just not going to church. I went home to my family that weekend. There was a little tension but we went on with it.  On Sunday just before I was getting ready to drive back down south my Dad stated that his concern was that I would not be taking the sacrament and therefore I wouldn’t have the Holy Ghost in my life. Thus lacking the ability to reach my full potential. I stated that I don’t think my life is going to be predicated on whether I attend church. He gave examples of those he thinks are drifting through life because they don’t go to church or don’t take the sacrament, therefore lacking the spirit that he thinks comes with it.

There were tears and I explained how scared I am and the pain I feel at church. I explained that I just want to be good enough; I want friends and a like-minded community where I feel like I fit in and am welcome. The church doesn’t give me that. One thing I highlighted was that in the church I’m of the age where I should be married and I’m not, so I don’t fit the mold and am therefore I am the odd one out. In addition to this a mission has come up a lot, particularly as I had a blessing to advise me such. I have clearly stated that I don’t want to serve a mission as I don’t want to convert people to the LDS church, as I don’t think anyone should have to experience it in such a negative way as I have and I don’t know if its true.

We came out of the conversation with the idea that I’m taking a break. I’m not totally leaving I’m just having some time out and we shall see what happens.

I am still very confused and scared. I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life. I can’t shake this church and belief system that has been a part of my life and I honestly wish I could. This church I’ve been going to for my whole has filled my social network and my Sunday. Now I have a whole day free and have to find a new community.

I’m in a very confusing situation as I have so many issues with the church, which confuse me and frustrate me. If this is meant to be the true church, a kind good place how can it cause so much pain and confusion. One thing that scares me the most is that what if there is something wrong with me and I have to change to be good enough.

I still pray everyday to know if God/Christ and the Holy Ghost are there, but now I pray to a mother and father or the goodness of the universe. I do want to know and yet I still don’t have a strong affirmation. Maybe I’m asking too much, but I just want to feel good no matter where I am and honestly I don’t feel good with the church but I’m afraid when I’m not with it.

So today I’m not going to church, I’m doing yoga and going to the movies. We shall see where this journey takes me, but if you read this please think of me and know that I am trying in the best way I can at the moment.