A BYU-H Experience

In 2012 I went to Brigham Young University in Hawaii. In around April, I packed my life up, got on a plane and moved myself to a Mormon university in the tropics.

Whenever people ask me if I liked it I always answer honestly, perhaps to their shock, “I hated it.” This is a fact.

I’m one of the lucky few to enjoy chronic homesickness and for the first three months I cried everyday, called my parents and lived in a constant state of loneliness and depression.

In the process of thinking about this blog post I thought how can I be positive, how can I not make this a highly pessimistic story. Yes it sucked, but if I had not gone to Hawaii I most likely would not be were I am now.

21st Birthday in Hawaii

So what was it about my experience that made it suck? Firstly homesickness, it is truly a physical sickness and freaking sucks.

My first experience of BYU-H was when I arrived at my Hale (Dorm). It was midnight; I was fresh off a long flight, tired, sad, homesick and lonely. I was greeted without a bed and nowhere but the couch in the Hale common room. It’s fair to say I was annoyed. We had called the University before hand to make sure that the date I arrived would be suitable for me to move into my room.  They stated yes. So I arrived to be told otherwise, no bed and no family around to help me out. But luckily I had friends who gave me their couch for the weekend, people who become friends and a comfort in hard times.

This first negative experience obviously didn’t really set up my BYU-H experience well. I did find some people who I spent time with, but being homesick took a lot of my energy and so being around people, to my own detriment did not happen much.

In addition to my homesickness a sudden influx of post-traumatic stress disorder kicked in. In the wake of the Christchurch earthquake of 2011 and after a year of taking control of the family home and making sure that my parents they stayed sane, my pain around the earthquake took root. Additionally this PTSD and anxiety that came with it rooted me deeply in an eating disorder. My eating disorder was a way of controlling my life through food, exercise and by extension my weight. This gave me some sense of control in my broader life. My mind set was if I could just keep this in control then everything will be ok. I was very skinny and considerably under weight.

I sought help at the BYU-H counseling center but did not gain the treatment and care I deeply needed. The first women I saw as a kiwi, I shared my earthquake experience her and her response was yeah, even over here use kiwis were shocked and shaken by it. I was like WTF lady, you have no idea what you’re talking about, you have no idea what it was like for my family and I. I did not go back to her.

I tried again with a psychologist, explained my anxiety around my weight and food, his response was I can eat whatever I want and nothing happens. Obviously not something that would help or sooth me.

Additionally I worked at the Polynesian Cultural Centre and I hate to say it but worst employers I’ve ever had. I’m pretty sure my boss was racist and felt like I was treated like dirt. My boss and other staff didn’t  seem to care about me which added to a sense of loneliness. I found it cringe worthy that a place could think its ok to put peoples cultures on display for tourists to come and see. For me it totally takes the sacredness out these peoples cultures, particularly as a Kiwi and knowing a little about Maori culture.  Additionally with Americans dressed up as New Zealanders, Samoans, Tahitians, and Tongans etc. it creates a very problematic form of theme park.

The honour code, o my gosh makes my head spin. The compulsory religion/institute classes, where you have to write essays, drove me nuts. Rules like no basketball shorts in the café (who’s food was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had). You cannot have exposed tattoos in the gym, even if they are fake (which you can get from the PCC). Rules about what you wear in the gym, about what kind of exercises you do. RULES RULES RULES! Aren’t we adults attending University how can use our sense of free agency with strict rules, curfews and married hale parents telling people 2 years older than them what to do.

One particular experience in my Hale was when the Resident Advisors came through and took everyone’s rice cookers, kettles, toasters, basically any electric ware that wasn’t a mini fridge. When my friend confronted the Hale mum about it, she said she felt inspired that this was the right thing to do. This women and her husband, some how thought they had the right to receive revelation for everyone and then literally steal their stuff. GRRR I was mad.

Another key experience I remember is when there was a tsunami warning. I was at a concert with a friend and the audience started to get a little restless. My friend told me that there has been a tsunami warning. The host of the concert got up and said that there has been a tsunami warning but that they were going to finish the concert then head to the point, a hill right by the sea. Being post earthquake and in prime PTSD state I started to freak out, my friend was very kind and asked if I would like to leave. I went back to my room to get my stuff so I could go and be with my friends in their hale. As I went into their hale, which was different to mine, I was told I couldn’t come in and had to go back to my own. Being distressed as I was I didn’t take this well. The RA said that everything would be fine and I said to her, trust me its not going to be ok.

Walking back to my Hale alone I entered my roome and immediately called my parents. In tears being scared about what would happen and roommate and her friends came in. My roommate gave me a hug and left. She said it would be fine we’ve said a prayer.

Living through a big natural disaster I knew that it was very likely that things would not be ok, prayer or no prayer. Thinking about it now I find if funny that I was so panicked and upset, while at the same time these people were so ignorant of how this situation could turn out.

I think its clear that I really didn’t want to be there. I tried to figure out a way to get out. I was terrified of leaving as I worried, that GOD might damn me or something as I was there due to my dads advise.  In addition to feeling lonely and homesick I felt scared about what would happen to me if I left. Would my life fall apart? After months of praying, reading scriptures and reading my patriarchal blessing millions of times, I decided to come home and attend Otago University in Dunedin. I realized that no matter what I did, if I did it for the right reasons everything would turn out in the end.

So to round off in a positive way what did my Hawaii experience give me? It made me realize I don’t like being surrounded by hundreds of Mormons. It made me see that I really need professional help with my eating disorder and PTSD. My singing teaching gave me great insight into how the voice works and I learnt a lot from her. I meet hundreds of people form all over the world. Finally I made a deep connection with Yoga. I attended classes there and they really helped me.  Giving me a greater desire to pursue my yoga practice.