Another Year and What has Come

Today is my 24th birthday and I think now is a better time than any to look at where I am and where I've come from.

Over the last year my experience of the LDS church has clearly changed and my faith has become nonexistent. I feel this started with the excommunication of Kate Kelly, the mind behind ordained women. As a woman this event really hurt me. When I heard about it I was shocked and angry. It meant for me that as a woman my place in the church is conditioned upon conforming to rules.  If I'm not the perfect cookie cutter mormon male listening women then I need to get out or they will kick me out. After this event there was a domino effect. I'll admit I can't pin down exactly how things went after that. All I know is that I found a dislike for the church coming to the fore, a total loss of faith and a positive connection to the church was diminished.

As my experience of the church took a turn my questions increased and doubt was profoundly present.

There is no doubt that before this event, I was perhaps a more liberal member, I had extra peircings, I swore, I spent money on Sunday etc (still do). I had questions and still do about marriage and the point of it. I have mentioned my confusion with the YSA program and how it is structured, with advisors etc. There is a great sense in the church as a single person that you are inferior and we must marry you fast. Especially now that I am 24 I am at an age where I should be married and because of that I feel like I have grown out of the YSA program. 

With the excommunication of Kate Kelly this feeling was enhanced and thus my stance on feminism, the general culture and some doctrine of the church become greatly problematic.

 Here I want to highlight how my belief has changed and what I have come to realize and wish was different about the church.

Firstly I want to state that I do not think the church is true. When I say ‘church’ I mean the institution. The church as a cultural organization of people is not true. But that said the gospel might be true (I'm not sure of that myself). I think its too easy for us to make the church the gospel when they are two separate things. In addition to this I do not think that the LDS gospel is the only true gospel. As I have mentioned previously I think truth is everywhere and that our very existence is true in itself. If there was no LDS gospel I and my experience of life would still be true. I think we spend so much time focusing on the truth of doctrine (even I do this) when we miss the truth of what is right in front of us.

I don't believe in polygamy and I do not think it is or was revelation(which is for another post). I don't believe that everything the prophets say is doctrine or revelation. We call them prophets, seers and revelators, but what was the last revelation or prophesy we received. People say they love our prophets.  I don’t even know them, how can I love someone I don’t even know?

In regards to God and Christ one thing that I've come to think is that God is not perfect and that if I was a perfect being then life would be really boring. I feel like God is like me he is flawed and because of that I can relate to him better (if he is real) because he is on the same plane as me.

At this time in my life I think the most profound question is will I stay and if so how. If I'm to stay in this church/gospel/religion then there needs to be a fundamental change within it. I think the church has made some big mistakes over the last few years, one of the latest being with Kate Kelly. These mistakes reach right back to the beginning of the church. I wish our modern prophets would admit to their mistakes, say they get it wrong and realize that people like me are out there and really struggling. I'm tired of not feeling good enough for the church, its people, its God and its culture. I've grown up in this organization and I've come to a place in my life where my belief has become a place of pain.

I want to conclude with gratitude to those who have and still do listen to me, hear my thoughts and feelings. I have people around me that care, know and see my opinion, thank you for that and expect more changing posts and different thoughts.

Happy Birthday to me. Another year gone by and much more to learn. :)