Existential Crisis

Many have asked me in response to my blog, if I don't like the church and the way its run then why don't I just leave. A valid question and yet it points at another question of how leaving or giving up solves the problem?

For me its not just about my relationship with the church its about my own life, my own belief and understanding of life. I am in an existential crisis, commonly defined as a questioning of the meaning of life and more particularly my faith and entire belief system. Words like doubt, truth, meaning, understanding, why this, why that come to mind and are in fact part of my life everyday. I'm the kind of person that can't just live her life without answers, my entire degree is about research, why is art some ways and some not, why do I sing the way I do, why does poetry work the way it does. I have been lucky enough to be bought up in a home where questions were encouraged and free thinking was, well, free. I can't just sit on the side lines or simply give up, for me this is my experience of understanding, I have to know for myself and I have to understand for myself. Thats what life is about, is it not? Life is to learn, to understand and to find truth and experience it wholly and fully.

Rosemary M. Wixom in the latest LDS general conference gave a talk called "Returning to Faith" and spoke of a women, who like me asked questions, but eventually got to the point that some of her questions weren't answered and some answers didn't bring "peace." She began to lose her faith and came to a point of what I would call doubt. People would say to her lean on my faith and she responded I can't you don't have the same questions or doubts that I do. In much the same manner I cannot live my life or my faith through someone else's, I can't just believe because my parents told me to, or my friends do, or because a large population believes in it, I have to know for myself.

I'll admit that this is a scary process especially for me because many of the questions and doubts I have come from certain gospel beliefs and I'm terrified of my desires being wrong and having to confront the truth of things that to be honest drive me insane, (lol).  Wixom continued with her story of this women who stated that:" I did not leave the church to separate myself from the church because of bad behavior, spiritual apathy, looking for an excuse not to live the commandments, or searching for an easy out. I felt I needed the answer to the questions 'What do I really believe?" I feel like this is me in a nut shell.

Many talks in the latest general conference speak of, 'staying by the tree,' 'seeking the lord,' 'latter-day saints keep trying,' 'choose to believe' thus illustrating a need to not give up but to persevere and to keep trying.
Life is about experience about learning about knowledge and in Buddhist and Yogic terms, awakening and unifying. I have doubts and I have questions, not just simply on a church level but on a gospel level and there isn't a possibility of change and understanding within my community and belief system if I just give up. It is said that we must endure to the end, but Jeffery R. Holland states that life isn't meant to be a sea of darkness and torment, "is our purpose in life an empty existential exercise-simply to leap as high as we can, hang on for out prescribed three score years and ten, then fail and fall, and keep falling forever?" In his words "no."  Life is about experience its about change, learning and about getting to know yourself, getting to know who you are and what you are.
In my life at the moment its about unity finding that at one ment with the greater being, whether it be god, christ, the holy ghost, Brahman, Buddha, Allah, the trinity, aliens whatever it is thats out there, its about finding my faith in the very thing that brings such things to fruition, the atonement and the deep love that comes with it.

I have come to realise that even in the mormon church everyone believes differently, has different questions and even sins differently but it doesn't make anyone person right or wrong it just makes them different. One of the great beauties of this world is that we all experience life, the same life energy runs through everyone but it is our experience, our inner essence that makes us different making this world much more interesting and exciting.